By Alex Watt
The New Yorker - December 3, 2014
O.K., so my ex just walked in and she’s with her new boyfriend and I
really really really don’t want to be drawn into a conversation with
them or even say hello or that her new haircut looks nice and that I’ve
actually always been super-attracted to women with short hair like her
friend Mitzi so I guess I’ll just type away at this blank doc I’ve had
open for over an hour well I guess it’s not blank anymore ha ha wow does
it feel good to laugh again oh she’s laughing now too god is it at me
has she already seen right through me pretending that I’m finally having
a breakthrough with my novel grtuxbvf sorry looked up from the computer
for a second and I could tell from his expression when she squeezed his
arm that this isn’t the first time he’s made her laugh it took me
months to get used to her arm squeezes because her grip is surprisingly
strong and always triggered memories of that time I got stuck in the
machine they sometimes have at the supermarket that lets you take your
own blood pressure it was very traumatic and would definitely be
incorporated into my novel if doing so wouldn’t violate the terms of the
settlement after all that settlement is the very thing that allows me
to spend my days writing the Great American Novel and buying that fancy
coffee with the leaf thing in the foam and tipping when the cute barista
smiles at me wow if only Stephanie could see me with that cute barista
holy cow is she still laughing irudhxkcnsyweq was his joke about how
they’re taking way too long to order and should just leave or how stupid
he looks in that suit I don’t know if it’s Armani but he sure looks
ArFUNi in it ha ha man I’m glad Stephanie can’t read this because her
head would probably explode from all the laughing ha ha and also because
she would know that I’m not hard at work on the novel I told her I was
almost done with in the five minutes of small talk we shared before she
said that she was definitely done with me at this very coffee shop at
the very table klirtufmbshzpokmevxrp she is now sitting at with her new
boyfriend oh come on who is this guy oh great now my hands are totally
cramping up ugh is this how you know heartbreak is real when you can
feel it in your hands note “the heartbreak was so real he could feel it
in his hands” would make a great opening line for my novel maybe I can
just sneak into the bathroom and hang out there until they’re gone cool
cool looks like the toilet is totally free for me to ueuajdbzbqqoe
fantastic the person who ordered a red eye and a bran muffin just walked
in there boy am I trapped I’ll tell you I haven’t felt this trapped
since I got stuck in that blood-pressure-testing machine though now that
I think about it I also felt pretty trapped when Stephanie asked me to
imagine how she felt in our relationship when we were sitting at that
table mdmxhxsoajkrenxxh where she is now smooching Captain Moneybags who
probably doesn’t have to get his arm stuck in anything to pay his rent
big deal at least I had the decency to keep my eyes open when we kissed
not like this jerk who’d rather stare at his eyelids what are they lined
with golden Picasso paintings and pictures of caviar ha ha oh man that
was probably my chance to sneak out of here unnoticed O.K. this is
getting ridiculous it’s time for me to swallow my pride and go tell them
how well my novel is coming along yeah this is it the moment I show
Stephanie that I’m doing all right actually more than all right I have
this life thing figured out and I’m putting myself out there and writing
more than ever I’m a good well-adjusted guy and I’m going to prove that
right now. After I check Facebook.
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